Read part 1,  part 2, and part 3 of this story.

Orientation was rapidly, shockingly replaced by school. While it was all fine and good (and arguably necessary) to take a week to allow students to adjust to a new lifestyle and an expanded degree of independence, nothing about orientation represented school. The minute that first class began on Monday, though…it was school. The dorms and the dining halls and the clubs and the parties all took a back seat to the learning experience. At least, that’s how Nat perceived it.

The first semester was intense for Nat, but it also felt to her like she was in the right place doing the right things. Brown of course invested a lot in cultivating that very experience, and for Nat at least it was a good thing and made her feel comfortable and motivated. Although she met all sorts of people in her dorm she met even more people in her classes, and more of them were there to do the same things she wanted to do and in the way she most understood how to do them. Despite what orientation was trying to cultivate, Nat saw very few of her floormates the rest of that semester. Judging from the attendance levels she saw the few times she poked her head into floor events, most of them were having a similar experience.

Finding new friends and joining a writing group also kept her from having to think too hard about the gaming clubs and her never returning to them. She did miss the experience, at least a little, but it felt to her that she missed her high school friends and gaming with them more than the concept in general. Besides, now she was writing honest-to-god fiction and in some ways that was more exciting than the writing you did while gaming. Besides, the thought of running into Claire again made her more anxious than the thought of gaming made her happy.

Nat hadn’t texted Marisa after that night despite Donnie’s admonition, and around Thanksgiving she realized how little she had reached out to any of her high school friends. She avoided a few invitations to see old friends when she was home on break, instead hanging around the house and distracting herself with more writing. If her parents were worried they didn’t say anything; the one time her Dad asked if she was okay she deflected by saying she was worried about finals. The actual holiday with her grandparents and one uncle was just fine, but she ended up convincing her Mom to drive her back a day early instead of letting her social anxiety fester any longer.

Any claims about worrying regarding finals were bald-faced lies; Nat had been doing well for her first semester and did well on her tests as well. Her last final was fairly late in the sequence but she also told her Mom a pickup day that was about two days later than she needed to be there, giving her a little time to wander the halls and figure out what she was going to do with her time at home. Friday night, she had been pacing the dorm with her phone, and finally gathered up the courage she needed to send a message to Marisa.

“Hey! Sorry I missed you at Thanksgiving, lots of family stuff. We should hang out over winter break!” She hit send, and then breathed deeply. The response came back after maybe three minutes.

“YES! I’m in the airport in Pittsburgh! Home soon! See you soon! Xoxo”

Nat smiled, then chuckled, though the chuckle came out as nearly a sob of relief. What did she think was going to happen? Why was she so afraid to reach out? Her world had accelerated towards something completely new, and leaving everything old behind just seemed so…easy. Even if it wasn’t what she actually wanted.

A head poked out of one of the dorm rooms down the hall.

“Nat?” it said.

“Donnie?” she replied. Donnie took a single step out the door and faced towards her.

“What are you still doing here?” Donnie asked. “Last finals were this morning.”

“My last final was yesterday,” Nat said, chuckling. “I…told my Mom to pick me up tomorrow morning because I didn’t want to go home.”

“Oh,” Donnie said. “What’s waiting at home?”

“Friends I haven’t talked to a single whit this entire semester,” Nat said. She sighed. “I’m just an idiot, everyone else is just as wrapped up in their stuff as I am.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but yeah,” Donnie said. “Your friends will be psyched to see you.” Nat nodded, and smiled slightly. Her expression quickly turned to confusion.

“Why are you here?” Nat asked. “You don’t seem like the kind to hang around and try to isolate themselves.”

“Nah, I needed to be here,” Donnie said. “I…I might be flunking out.”
“What? How?” Nat asked.

“I didn’t pass all my classes,” Donnie said. “Flew close to the sun?”

“It’s…it’s first semester,” Nat said. “Already?”

“That was my thought too,” Donnie said. “But in the process of breezing through high school I had basically an entire semester of AP credit. I wasn’t really in intro classes.”

“But you got high enough scores to get that credit!” Nat said. “You’re clearly smart.” Donnie’s affect changed.

“I don’t know, okay?” he said, snapping. “It’s not the same. And then it just got harder to face.”

“I…I’m sorry,” Nat said. “That must be hard.”

“Yeah,” Donnie said. “I’m here so late because there was a hearing to see if I’d qualify for academic probation. My parents were on speakerphone and everything. I do qualify…I could come back next semester. I just don’t know if I’m going to.”

“Oh,” Nat said. They stood in the hallway for a long moment, in silence. Finally, Donnie said something.

“Do you want to hang out in my room for a bit?” he asked. Nat shrugged in assent and they both walked through the door.

Nat’s room was, well, her room. While winter break was going to be nearly three weeks, she was coming back and had already agonized over her second semester class schedule. Donnie’s room was entirely packed, with everything off the walls, a couple of boxes on his side, and two suitcases at the foot of the bed. It was made even more striking by the fact that his roommate, already gone on break, had all of his stuff still up. Donnie fished around in his dresser and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and two small cups.

“Was at a party earlier in the semester,” Donnie said. “Someone called the cops, and a bunch of us went out the backdoor. This other guy I was with snagged a bottle off the table, but after he realized he couldn’t walk around with it he stuffed it in my backpack and bolted.”

“…that’s bizarre,” Nat said. “Were you partying a lot? Did that have something to do with the grades?”

“Not a huge amount,” Donnie said. “More around the beginning of the semester. After the first round of midterms I kind of freaked out and tried to buckle down. I…I’m not sure I really know how to buckle down.” Without asking he poured about a finger of whiskey in both cups, and handed one to Nat.

“Don’t worry too much about it,” he said. “All the RAs are already home for break too.” Nat shrugged, and lifted her cup. Donnie clinked his cup against hers, and they both took a sip. What started out as somewhat sweet quickly transitioned to burning, and Nat swallowed quickly, feeling the heat of the alcohol as it went down her throat into her stomach.

“That is not my scene, man,” Nat said, coughing a little bit. Donnie chuckled and took another small swig.

“I’m not going to have any more,” Donnie said. “Just wanted to toast the end of the semester with you. Sorry we didn’t really hang out more after orientation.”

“It’s okay,” Nat said. “I’m apparently pretty bad at keeping up with people.” She looked down at the cup and took another, smaller sip. The warmth was spreading more.

“So…what are you going to do if you don’t come back to school?” Nat asked.

“No idea,” Donnie said. “I wasn’t really serious about school back home, either, I was just bright. But it’s not like anyone gives you a list of options? At a certain point the question is never ‘do you want to go to college’, it’s ‘what college do you want to go to’. I think I needed more time.”

“Your parents didn’t entertain the idea of a gap year either?” Nat asked.

“Absolutely not,” Donnie said. “My Mom read some statistic about what percentage of high school students attend college after delaying a year and it freaked her out.”

“Probably the same one my parents did,” Nat said. “I probably wouldn’t have taken one, but my friends who are travelling or having ‘life experiences’ right now sound pretty lucky.” Donnie nodded. They both sipped more whiskey in silence.

“Your semester go okay?” Donnie asked. The timing made it seem more like a bid to break the silence.

“Yeah,” Nat said. “I, uh, might make honor roll.”

“Cool,” Donnie said. His tone of voice did not imply he actually thought this was cool.

“I…I’m sorry,” Nat said. “I’m sorry I brought up grades, and…I’m sorry we met like this. I wish I could have met you after you figured out where you wanted to be.” It was Donnie’s turn to sigh.

“It’s all right,” Donnie said. “I appreciate that sentiment, though. I do still need to figure out where I want to be.” Nat nodded, and drank the last drops of whiskey in the cup.

“Thanks for the booze,” Nat said. “If you do come back, will you let me know?”

“Of course,” Donnie said. “Maybe you can whip me and my grades into shape next semester.”

“Maybe,” Nat said, smirking. “Get home safe.”

“You too, Nat,” Donnie said.

When Nat would return to Brown in January, she’d get confirmation that Donnie did not come back. At that moment, though, sitting in her bed, feeling whiskey warmth and wondering about her friends and the future, it was better that she didn’t yet know that was the case.